I was talking to one of my close friends last week, who suddenly turned to me and said 'you women are very strange creatures'.
I've been having quite a few problems recently with.. well.. i can only really describe it as meaning. i've reached the point where money seems to have not much meaning for me. I've just booked myself a very expensive holiday which is becoming more expensive by the minute and i find that i really dont care that i cant afford it and it probably really wont be worth it. what's a couple of hundred quid these days, really. i'd just be spending it on fruit mentos or tights or bottles of vodka. a large side effect of this is recklessness i think. i've decided that when i go back to uni after my break i'm going to talk to this boy and i really dont care what the outcome is.. i have almost nothing to lose. we don't talk as it is so if i get pied then hey.. nothing changes. if not then happy days i'm riding off into the sunset. this can probably be explained by the word yolo. which makes me kind of sick. but who cares, you do only live once right. if you like someone, tell them. if you want to do something, do it. fuck the consequences you're only going to regret the things you didn't do and not the things you did. act first and the money will take care of itself later on. beg borrow or steal.. or just work a few more shifts. I'm really trying to get my life back on track. shuffling everything around until i find a nice order to everything. i want to know where i am and where im going. this will be my year! I'm building my foundations right now and the castle will be amazing.
I will be the person i want to be. Bring it on.
The thought of wednesday is absolutely terrifying me. If there is one thing in this world i will admit to being awful at, it is asking for help and that's what i plan on doing on wednesday. I cant chicken out this time, it needs to be done but dear god i'm scared to death. No doubt it will come to nothing but i can't cope with thinking like this anymore. It's times like this where i really wish i had some sort of faith, something in which i could place all of my trust and know that i'll be steered in the right direction. But no. I'm a cynical toerag and i will carry it all by myself. For better or worse. Wish me luck.
I'm having a complete and utter freak out. I can't even like... comprehend how much my head is imploding right now.
I was fine! I was completely fine. I was. But then.. I got a call. And I didn't go. And then I did. And now i'm in this place all over again. I have to stop myself picking up my phone every 30 seconds and making contact. I'm fucked. Completely and utterly fucked, and i'm fucking everything else up and.. fuck.